


Reflection in the Dark

by emotimmyturner



Category: Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware, Half-Life, half life but the ai is self aware
Genre: Gen, M/M, also hes definitely in love with freeman, also i like the hc that forzen and him are brothers so im going with that, also lowkey benrey/tommy? might add it in but for now its gonna stay frenrey, and starts using his brain actually, benrey gets a journal from the gman in the void, benrey is also nb but uses he/him pronouns for the sake of simplicity, but for right now atleast to him its unrequited, hes actually very smart and everything hes just not good at words tbh, hes also like. lowkey traumatized and depressed but mostly guilty, or emotions but hes getting better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 6,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26253964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emotimmyturner/pseuds/emotimmyturner
Summary: Benrey's dead, which is like, lame. And the Void is boring. And for some reason that dude in the suit gives him a book with blank pages and a yellow stick with lead and tells him to "write his thoughts."Sounds boring, but he's got nothing better to do, anyways. He is trapped here for all eternity.--A introspective look at what I think Benrey might've thought after the End. And basically him being genuinely remorseful.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 49
Kudos: 223





	1. Entry #1

Benrey’s Journal

Entry One; In the Void.

Yo. It’s me, Benrey.

I can’t believe I’m doing this, but here I go.

So I’ve been like, trapped here in the void for a lame amount of time. Pretty sucks.

And while staying here that dude in a suit I saw before (still wouldn’t give me his gamer tag, rude) handed me this book and a pencil. Said something about “reflecting” or whatever. Dude acts like I can read.

I mean, I absolutely CAN read, ‘cause I’m like, the best reader ever. Nobody can beat my high score in reading. I’m the all-time champion in books.

Anyway, I wasn’t really listening to what he was saying (too busy thinking about my PlayStation plus that I missed cause of Feetman. Still sucks man) but I do remember he said this:

“ **Perhaps it’d be in your best interest, Mr-“**

“benrey.”

**“’Benrey’, to perhaps write down things. You’re going to be in here for a very, very long time.”**

“bro are you flirting with me? Dinner and a movie first man.”

**“...I- shall be off, now. I have a birthday party I must attend.”**

“yooo party? Dude can I come? Cause like here its major sucks and a party is not sucks so you should let me come man.”

**“...Goodbye, Mr. Benrey.”**

And then he left. He left me alone in the Void with just my thoughts and my Sweet Voice. It was really lame.

At first I didn’t touch this thing, cause like writing is hard and makes me have to use my brain, and that’s majorly bad because I can’t ever really focus enough to where I can write things clearly. But this place doesn’t have a PSP or PlayStation Plus one month free trial so it’s not like I had anything else to do.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole test whatever and Feetman and the others. Feelings are major sucks, man.

I’m starting to think maybe Feetman was right. Maybe he and I never WERE friends. I thought we were, but I think he thought we weren’t. I don’t know why, but it hurts a lot thinking of it.

It just doesn’t make sense, man. Bubby and I were chill. Tommy and I were buds, and I think Dr. Coomer was cool with me. So I don’t get why Gordon was the only one who didn’t like me. Did I do something wrong?

Well yeah, now that I think about it. I did get his hand cut off. Thinking about it still makes me sick to my… Whatever I have that’s close to that thing humans use to digest junk. But I didn’t know his arm would be gone for like… five ever! I thought it’d like... grow back. My body grows back, so I thought his would too. If it were Tommy it would’ve grown back, and Bubby would’ve just went into his tube and it would’ve regenerated, and Dr. Coomer had robot arms so he could’ve just built new ones. So I thought he’d be fine.

I thought he would’ve been okay.

I thought we were friends.

Maybe what I thought was wrong. Wouldn’t be the first time.

I’m gonna be honest, here. I… really liked Feetman. Sure, when he got the gun arm and starting whacking me with it was kinda rude. Hurt some, too. But whenever he would laugh at whatever I said, when he would smile at me, when he called my Sweet Voice beautiful… I don’t think I’ve ever felt like that. Ever.

I just wanted to make him laugh, and I thought that it’d be a funny prank when I did the soldier thing. Thought that after he got over being mad we’d laugh and I’d hear the wonderful sound he makes when he laughs. But things never go Benrey’s way, do they?

Then the whole “Gamer Boss Battle” happened. I had already lost Gordon, by that point. But then I lost Tommy. And Bubby. And Dr. Coomer.

And it was all my fault.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over the... What’s it called? Guilt? Shame? Of hurting my friends. I never meant to. I was just trying to do my job.

But I guess now it doesn’t matter. I died, and now I’m stuck in the Void for the rest of eternity. (Or until the Player deletes the game files for good.)

So I guess this is it, then. I’m alone for good, and no one’s ever going to come look for me. I guess I deserve it.

I did this to myself for being so dumb, I guess. But if I ever could somehow see them again, I’d probably say sorry. Especially to Gordon. Maybe tell him how to feel, just to get some closure. I know him saying no would hurt a lot, but I’d rather him tell me no instead of burying it forever.

Whelp. I’m gonna try to human sleep now. My head hurts from thinking so much. Later.

Benrey


	2. Entry #2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey has his own trauma from the Arm Debacle that he hasn't worked out.

Entry #2; In the Void.

The suit dude still hasn’t come back yet. I think it’s been like, what? Seven days since he was there? I dunno. I already didn’t get human time as it was, and now here I understand it even less.

Humanity in general is weird.

I’ve said it before, but I just… don’t get humans. They’re so squishy and needy and easily breakable. Easily killable.

Not a good thing, I find. Especially not when it’s Feetman.

I still remember the screaming. I mean, yeah sure, dying definitely STUNG but it never hurt that badly for me. Plus, I knew it wasn’t permanent, ‘cause my body would reform a few hours later. No big deal.

Feetman was different.

The screaming, the blood, and the tears… god, seeing him in that much agony hurt. Even more so when I knew that I caused that. It was MY fault.

Feelings are the worst.

I don’t think I ever processed it, to be honest. When I saw him again with the rest of the Science Team, I blanked. My brain just shut out the idea of that being my fault. I don’t think I could’ve handled it, at the time. I feel even worse now knowing that he thought I was just joking about not knowing what caused it. I wasn’t trying to make fun of him. I just…didn’t process it. Couldn’t process it. Even now, all by myself, I can’t fully comprehend the fact that I hurt him. He didn’t have an arm and it was all my own doing.

I never thought I’d ever do this much thinking (let alone have actually coherent thoughts) but… when you have no one to talk to and only your thoughts and a book to occupy you time-wise, you start sorting through your thoughts a lot more.

Probably the only good thing about this dump, frankly.

I’ve always had trouble expressing myself with words. Sweet Voice usually helps, but even then; colorful balls that can sometimes have multiple meanings only help so much.

I think this book is actually helping, a lot more than Sweet Voice does, anyway.

When I was in Black Mesa, if I had any feelings I would just kinda… bottle it up. Either it was something I didn’t want anyone to know (my feelings for him, for example) or couldn’t express the way I meant. (Human language is hard and so complicated)

But now, when I’m all alone with just my thoughts, I can… spill. Write as long as I want, and try to figure out why I’m feeling a certain way. Help myself process things.

I even figured out what I would say to Feetman, if I ever got out. Doubt it, though.

I still miss him. I miss him, Tommy, Dr. Coomer, and Bubby. I miss them all. I sometimes even miss Forzen.

Only sometimes, though. I still think he’s wrong about Irate Gamer not ripping off AVGN.

I think I’m gonna go human sleep again, now. Even though I’ve been thinking more clearly and longer, my headaches from doing so have only been getting worse.

Later.

Benrey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i still had some motivation so have chapter two!! also yall have been so nice so yall motivated me to make this multichapter :)) idk if its gonna have a good or bad ending yet though so we'll see how it goes


	3. Entry #3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey stops his dark thoughts for a moment to ramble about Forzen. Still goes angsty of course, but can you blame him? He's sad and alone and could really use a hug right now. Preferably from Feetman. If only he hadn't been the Big Bad at the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy cow y'all are so nice! So nice that I decided to give you a third chapter in one day! Crazy, right? It's a bit shorter than normal but I wanted to make one that wasn't as sad (still sad but not as) and also present my HC of Forzen and Benrey being brothers who argue constantly.

Entry #3; In the Void

I haven’t really talked about Forzen, have I? God, Forzen is so lame.

Don’t get me wrong, love the guy, but his vibes are absolutely RANCID. We may be related but that guy needs to calm down.

We got that basic twin story, born same day, same place, but 8 minutes apart. 8 minutes. And he still acts like he’s from an entirely different era of time.

Me and Him, we’ve never got along. For example, he called Heavenly Sword a rip off of God of War (which it’s NOT) and I shot him in the eye.

Normal brother stuff.

Or in Black Mesa, when I got to him before the Science Team and told him Irate Gamer ripped of AVGN, he killed me. Major unpog moment.

Still normal brother stuff.

As much as he was annoying (and dumb. Definitely dumb.) I still miss his sorry ass. As much as we would fight and argue (Sonic is still better than Shadow) he could be fun to be around.

Plus, even though we’d argue, at least I’d have someone to talk to.

At least I wouldn’t be so alone.

Forzen, bro, wherever you are man, I miss you a helluva lot. Sucks majorly that I had to be the big bad in the end and die. Hope you’re doing well, even if you can’t read this.

Love you, bro.

(P.S. Irate Gamer still ripped off AVGN though.)

Benrey


	4. Entry #4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey has a scary dream. Or is it a nightmare? Who knows. All he knows is that he's not doing that hot in the mental area right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's chapter 4 for that good good angst !!! love you guys, you guys are so nice! ps: make sure to drink water, eat food, and take your meds!! :)

Entry #4; In the Void

I saw a skeleton last night.

Not the cartoon skeleton, or like Sans from Undertale (think he stole my gig. Identity theft is not a joke, Jim.)

But a real skeleton. Like how I was, whenever my body was destroyed. When I would use it to mess with Feetman, ‘cause I thought it was funny. I thought it was a joke.

He shot me a lot when I was a skeleton. Not very cool.

But this skeleton was different. It looked like mine, but. Twisted. Its form wasn’t entirely there. It was like it was glitching in and out of being in this reality and the next. It was kinda unnerving. But that wasn’t even the worst of it.

It was… screaming. But not like, normal screaming, no. It was like a thousand voices at once were all screaming in agony. Like just existing in this plane was the worst pain it could ever feel.

I don’t think I want to human sleep anymore, after that shit-show. I don’t think I ever want to even blink anymore. (Not that I really had to in the first place, but still.)

This ‘dream’ (or at least that’s what humans call it, I think) was a lot more vague than my normal ones. Usually their just memories of Black Mesa (specifically around the Arm Incident, usually) but… more violent.

That, and Gordon usually tells me how he wishes I was never created and that he hates my guts. Tell me something I don’t know already, Feetman.

Still. Usually hurts, especially when I wake up.

Mostly because I know it’s the truth. I could try and use excuses all I want of how “there just a dumb baby thing” and that “don’t mean crap because it’s all in me brain place” but I know better.

Feetman might be right. Maybe I should’ve never came into existence. Maybe it would’ve been better for everyone that way.

He would’ve never gotten all that trauma.

He would’ve never lost his arm.

Oh well, at least now he doesn’t have to deal with me anymore. Must’ve had one big huge party to celebrate me dying.

The Suit guy did say he had to go to one, after all.

Time to go wallow in self-loathing and think about how stupid I am for being such a jerk. Bye, I guess.

Benrey


	5. Entry #5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The suit guy returns, and Benrey learns a bit about the party he went to.  
> He always knew Tommy was a great cool. Plus, Chuck E Cheese sounds pretty rad.  
> He's still pretty sad, though. The Void is still a shithole.

Entry #5

The suit guy came back.

He said he needed to **“Make sure I didn’t try to escape, as that would be very annoying.”** Or whatever.

Not like I could even if I wanted to.

I tried asking him about the party. It took four tries, and then he caved in.

**“It was for my progeny.”**

“yoo you got a kid? poggers.”

**“..Yes, he is my greatest creation. I am very proud of him.”**

“what’s the lil’ dude’s name, anyway?”

**“That is private information, Mr. Benrey, which you should not be concerned with. It does not apply to you, so you should not give it anymore thought than that.”**

“its tommy, isn’t it?”

He looked genuinely surprised for a second before going back to his normal stoic expression.

**“...Even if he were, it would be none of your business. Please do not make me repeat myself again.”**

“where’d he have his party at?”

**“...Chuck E Cheese.”**

Made sense, all things considered. Tommy did seem like the type of guy to have a party there. Suits his personality.

After that, The Suit Guy left, but not before slipping me a **“Pencil Sharpener, for your Pencil.”** Sweet! Now I don’t have to use my teeth to be able to sharpen the stick thing so I can write. Mega awesome.

I wonder what his name is, anyway. I know his files say “The G-man” but even then, that’s not really a name, is it?

Neither is Benrey, either, now that I think about it. Whatever.

Still thinking about Gordon, and what could’ve been, had I not been such a freak.

It really hurts, honestly.

Benrey


	6. Entry #6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey thinks about the one of the only actual conversations he had with Gordon, before the End.

Entry #6

If you haven’t noticed already, I’ve stopped writing where I am. There’s no point in constantly writing it if I’m never going to leave. So from now on I’m just gonna write the entry numbers. Easier that way.

I remember one of the only actual conversations I’ve had with Gordon that didn’t include screaming or yelling or anger. Well, there was a little bit of Anger, but mostly towards me, after all, it had been a bit after I got his arm cut off.

It was when the game sky had gone dark (but the player still hadn’t logged off yet) when he turned to me and said:

_“Why’d you do it, Benrey?”_

I had been, of course, absolutely confused. I still hadn’t been able to process my own feelings about what I’d done yet, so my brain was still repressing the memory.

“huh? What?”

I looked down at his arm and blinked.

“what happened to your hand?”

Gordon just sighed. I think at this point he was either too tired or too out of it to acknowledge my teasing (even though for once, I wasn’t actually trying to, but he didn’t know that.)

He looked away, defeated. Then he looked back at me and said.

_“Do you ever think that had none of this happened that maybe we could’ve been friends?”_

Again, I still didn’t understand what he was saying.

“bro what do you mean, we’re best buds. Mejores amigos. ΚΑΛΥΤΕΡΟΙ ΦΙΛΟΙ”

He laughed incredulously and shook his head.

_“What is that? Greek? What did you even just say with your mouth, man?”_

“huh?”

He turned away again, before once again sighing in defeat.

_“Nevermind, man. Just forget it.”_

He layed flat on his back and closed his eyes.

_“Goodnight, Benrey. Sleep well…if you sleep, that is.”_

I think that’s when I realized I loved him.

Around two days (in game) after that, he killed me.

Now that I think back on it, yeah, I think we could’ve been friends had the Resonance Cascade never happened.

But videogames are never fair for the antagonist.

Benrey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (those words that aren't in english are, according to my limited knownledge of spanish and also google translate, the greek and spanish words for "best friends.") :)


	7. Entry #7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey and Tommy were pals. Bubby and him were becoming friends. He definitely wanted to talk to Dr. Coomer some more.  
> If only he had more time to avoid being the Bad Guy.  
> Only now, in the Void, all alone, does he really appreciate the sentiment of 'appreciating the small things in life.' Especially now, since he can never have them back.  
> Maybe in a different reality.

Entry #7

Tommy and I were friends.

Whenever we’d get off of work (and I wasn’t hanging out with my good friend Josh, of course) we’d hang out at his place and play Smash Bros 64 all night. And occasionally Animal Crossing (the og one) on the game cube. Sure, it wasn’t exactly the most epic thing to do on a Saturday, but it meant a lot to him.

Guess I never realized how important they were before I lost them.

It’s funny, actually. Right before the whole she-bang, Tommy and I had a hang out. Now that I think about it, Tommy had been pretty weird the entire night. He looked like he was…sad, almost. Like this was the last time we’d be doing it.

Ironically, he ended up being 100% right about that. Mostly cause, well, you can’t play videogames with a dead person.

That’s of course if they aren’t all stuck in the Void themselves. After all, the game ended, so who knows what happened to Tommy and the rest of them.

Hope they’re doing okay.

I hadn’t really talked to Bubby or Dr. Coomer before the ‘Cascade. I knew who they were, of course (the troublesome duo of the Cyborg scientist and the pyromanic, coming to theaters near you) because they were both long-time scientists at Black Mesa. (Also, y’know, with Bubby being made from a tube and Dr. Coomer having replaced almost all his body parts except for his head and skin with robotic parts.)

Then the whole Test junk happended. And Bubby started getting real pissed at Gordon. (I still remember the “Are you that motherfucker who fucked up this whole experiment?” from when I had first started walking down the hallway to Gordon and him. At the time, it was hella funny. Now, though, it’s just the starter stepping stone that ending up with Gordon’s right hand gone. Not very funny.)

When I had first approached Bubby about the betrayal plan, I had meant it as a joke. A funny lil’ prank that was to get back at him being so mean to me. (Again, for one, I didn’t know the soldiers would actually cut his arm off, and two, I didn’t know that his arm couldn’t grow back.)

But I didn’t realize Bubby genuinely wanted to hurt him. I mean, I know after Bubby regretted it. I heard him sobbing late at night when I was trying to human sleep.

“God, Harold, I-I didn’t know they’d...” He’d had said, quietly whispering into Dr. Coomer’s shoulder.

“I-I just wanted to make him hurt like I did, but I never meant for-for…” He gasped, and started sobbing much more violently.

Dr. Coomer has just held him closer, but didn’t respond. Even though he clearly was trying to comfort Bubby, I could tell that he himself couldn’t say anything.

Bubby still didn’t know that this wasn’t real. Dr. Coomer didn’t really feel too bad for Gordon, at that point. Sure, it looked like it hurt, but he knew that it would mean nothing later. It was just a game, after all.

But he couldn’t explain that to Bubby. No, he needed to realize on his own.

Plus, Dr. Coomer had his own anger, but not at Gordon, no. He had it at the Player.

Kinda wish I’d been able to talk to him more about the whole Game thing, at the end. But he wasn’t the one who died, after all.

At the time, I didn’t really understand why Bubby had been so upset. It was just the Player, after all. Sure, hearing Gordon scream and cry like that was…horrid, to say the least. But he wasn’t real. None of it mattered, anyway.

At least, that’s how I thought before I got here and started actually feeling the guilt that I had been repressing since then.

At least I saved Bubby from my fate. He deserves to be happy.

I, on the other hand, don’t think as much for myself.

This is what I deserve after all the pain I’ve caused.

Benrey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 bby!! I've officially decided that this story is gonna have three endings. The main one, which is open ended and will be left on a cliff hanger. The good one, which is basically going to be the good extension version of the main one. And the bad one, which is the bad extension of the main. The other two are going to be posted separately into a collection, because technically neither are canon in this story since the main one really has no official ending. :)  
> also we finally got some bubby in herrrreee!! i was orignally going to have some coomer dialogue too, but i decided it wouldn't fit in so for now he hasn't had any actual lines. but he will!! soon...


	8. Entry #8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey finally human sleeps again, and he sees a familiar face.

Entry #8

I finally let myself human sleep again.

I didn’t realize how hard existing for so long without sleep was. Especially when you’re currently existing (am I existing? I mean, I did die after all, but I’m somehow still conscious in the void. Weird) so I went to sleep.

In the dream, I was still in the void, but I wasn’t alone. There were skeletons all in a circle around me, and they were using Sweet Voice.

“…light green to red means you should start to feel dread…” Dream me had muttered. I guess it was because I was so used to Tommy saying the meanings to everyone else that I got used to hearing it said out loud. Old habits die hard, I guess.

Anyway; I was sitting there watching the skeletons sing even more sweet voice, anxious to see why exactly they were warning me, when I heard something:

“Benrey?”

I whipped my head around trying to find the source of the voice. I knew whose voice that was, yet for the life of me I couldn’t remember.

“Benrey? Where are you, man?”

I stood up, trying to find where the voice was. I knew it was coming closer, but when I tried to walk towards in the skeletons wouldn’t move. In fact, they kept following me to block my view wherever I walked. It was very irritating.

“yo can you guys move? Please? you’re being really rude right now. Very sucks.”

I kept trying to walk towards the voice, but it was like every time I moved forward, the skeletons would grow. Eventually they were so tall that I couldn’t see anything other than bones. That’s when they started closing in.

“hey man- can you guys like? Not? No thank you?”

As much as I tried to convince them not to squish me with my awesome gamer slang, they didn’t seem to listen. They kept moving in closer and closer, until I thought I was gonna die.

This was it. This was how I stopped existing for real. I didn’t wanna die, I wasn’t ready to be erased from existence completely. I wouldn’t die. I couldn’t.

That’s when I heard a voice and a hand reached out:

“Benrey, grab on!”

Before I had time to react, the hand grabbed mine and forced me through the giant skeletons. After I was freed (“wow man you made such a mess” I said, glancing back at the pile of cracked and broken bones left from him pulling me through two of the skeletons in the circle. He had scoffed but kept running while the other skeletons followed us)

We kept running and running until the skeletons finally didn’t seem to be behind us anymore. We were both panting (which is weird, considering I don’t need to breathe) when I finally realized who had saved me. I turned to look up to him bewildered.

“Gordon?”

And then I woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ack sorry for not posting for a bit!! i took a bit of a break as to allow myself to get re-motivated (plus i had to think up new chapter ideas) but i'm back! heres a decently sized one for all you guy's waiting! :)


	9. ????

* * *

Holy hell, what the fuck is happening here.

I don't really know what's going on, nor why it's happening. One minute I'm sleeping in my bed (and going to bed at a somewhat reasonable time for once, mind you) when I wake up to see nothing but empty, pitch black space all around me. Great! Wonderful. Just exactly like I fucking wanted. This is like, the little goody bag you get after a kids birthday party because the parents feel the need to give you something for seeing their goddamn kid, except this time the goody bag is a weird not nightmare but not dream after the shit show that was the ResCas. Fucking awesome, man.

Anyway, I wake up in the middle of god knows where with nothing but my HEV suit. (I guess even my thoughts don't want me forgetting I wore this piece of shit for a week straight.) So I decide to start walking.

Yeah, yeah, I know walking around sounds extremely dumb, but it's like. I wasn't really doing it, y'know? Like I was there, I saw everything happening, and I could think, yet it was like I couldn't even control my actions or movements. And you know what? That fucking terrified me. I mean, I already got all this trauma from the damn 'cade, and now I'm stuck in this nightmarish landscape not even controlling my legs? And the worse part was that even though I knew I was scared, I didn't feel it. At least not physically. 

It was like I was watching my own body again from a third person perspective, like before. And I hated it.

My crazy ramblings aside, I kept walking through this..void? Place aimlessly until I saw something. It looked like some weird off white figure surrounded by a lot of blue. Upon closer inspection, I realized that it was not in fact one figure, but 5 in a circle blowing..was that green and red sweet voice? God, I wish Tommy were here to tell me what it meant. Sorry, sorry, focus. Right, so I see these..skeletons? Surrounding something and I go to take a closer look. That's when I hear his voice:

"yo, can you guys like..give benny some space?? please?? benny claustrophobia moments??"

Oh great. Now this motherfucker is here too.

I didn't really know exactly how I felt about Benrey at the moment, considering that while I do pity the guy, he did try to fucking kill me(not to mention got my hand cut off) so I was conflicted. He obviously sounded scared, but also, again, motherfucker tried to kill me. What was I supposed to do? On one hand, I could leave him there to rot(like he kinda deserves) but on the other, I could give in and be the bigger person and save him. Tough choice.

Goddamn my need to help people. Really a pain in the ass sometimes.

So I reach in the magic circle of skeletors and reach for Benrey, shouting "Grab my hand!" He blinks a couple of times at first, like he's trying to remember something but can't, and grabs on. The rest is a bit of a blur. I remember running, I think I might have scowled at him once or twice(wouldn't be surprising considering that guys attitude) and then we stopped. Then I remember turning around and him looking at me all pale (well, as pale as an alien being thing can get) and saying my name. Then I woke up, confused as hell.

I think the second weirdest part about it was the fact that it felt real. Like, that I was really there. It was really unnerving. I might need to talk to Dr. Coomer about it, he seems to know about the whole weird 'unreality' bullshit that happened at Black Mesa.

I think I might miss the bastard, asshole as he was. Maybe I should see if me and the rest of the science team could hold an official funeral for him. I think Tommy would like that. Anyway, signing off now.


	10. Entry #9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey thinks about his weird human dream and wonders what it means, then thinks about his experience with Dr. Coomer.

I still can’t get over that dream I had last night. (Night? Day? Does time even exist here?) Seeing Gordon again, and so vividly..it was kinda unnerving.   
  
What were the skeletons for? I mean, I thought they kinda stopped existing when I died, y’know? And why were they being so..menacing?   
So..evil?

Wow, thinking like that was a big slap in the face. Thanks, brain, I hate you too. 

I realized being in this place that I hate a lot of things about myself. Here, I'll make a list:

1\. I hate that it's so hard for me to talk right. Like, I usually know what I want to say, but it never comes out right. 

For example: 

I had been sitting out, waiting for the Science team to arrive, hanging out with my new bros the solider guys (before the betrayal, obviously) when Gordon came out screaming. Skip to me being yelled at, the others sort of not paying attention, Gordon shooting my psp(still mad about that, but I guess I deserve that since after I got his arm cut off and tried to kill him) and Bubby and I played soccer while Gordon, Tommy and Dr. Coomer talked about justin.tv. 

I'm gonna skip a bit farther ahead to when Coomer used his powerlegs. Before this moment, I had been the only one officially (besides the player of course) to know that our reality wasn't real. Then Coomer jumped. And everything changed.

When he came back down, he seemed..relatively normal, to be honest. A little wind blown, yeah, but overall fine. Said a couple of whack things, but I just thought that was him being..y'know, Dr. Coomer. Anyway. 

Bubby had launched the rocket, the Suit dude showed up, I almost got crushed by a door, and then the player went to sleep. Gordon disappeared, as he usually does when the Player logs off, and things were quiet. I could talk a little bit more free, now that the script was inactive. That's when he approached me.

"Benrey, my friend, I feel as though we need to talk." Dr. Coomer had said, pleasant tone in his voice. But his face looked..well, like he had just seen the end of the world.

"huh? wassat now?" I replied. Of course was the time my brain, as per usual, was making me mess up my words. I did understand what he was asking, but the way I am prevents me from being clear with what I mean.

"Not to be rude, Benrey, but now is not the time to be playing these mind games. This is serious, and I am not Freeman nor am I in the mood for jokes." He replied, looking a bit annoyed.

"oh no no man, sorry. im-im listening, man. sorry. no thoughts head empty, y'know? but seriously- uh- I'm listening. benny listening mode. benny-"

"That's enough, Benrey."

I clamped my mouth shut. I knew Coomer could be aggressive sometimes (I've seen him do it to clones and Gordon) but having it towards me for once was kinda jarring. He sighed, and continued.

"I apologize, but I really need to know. Did you know already that our reality is fake, or not?"

"wha- im sorry?" 

He sighed again, defeated. "Did you know our reality was a videogame, Benrey?"

"i-uhm. game? gaming?"

"YES, Benrey. Did you, or did you not know?" He looked at me pleadingly, almost as if he wanted to confirm he wasn't crazy.

"i-yeah. i uh. i knew. kinda always dude, to be honest. its kinda in my programming, y'know? so I kinda had to know. part of a. part of my big brain. i know much info-"

"Thank you, Benrey." He said, cutting me off. He walked off without another word. He almost looked..sad, and lost.

I wish I would've been able to say something to comfort him, but obviously, I can barely say basic sentences, so I doubt I'd be able to do that.

Reason #2 for why I hate my brain:

I seem to make people mad no matter what I do. I'm just that annoying.

I mean, do I really even need to explain this one? Instead of being serious, of course my stupid self decided to say 'haha funny game words' while a poor old man was having an existential crisis. Im pretty sure had I kept going Dr. Coomer would've smacked me. Pretty warranted, to be honest.

Reason 3 for why I hate my brain:

I'm not normal. And because of that, I make people hate me because I can't have a normal brain.

This one is also very obvious. I pushed everyone I cared about away all because of how stupid and childish and annoying I was. Am.

Maybe if I was normal Gordon would actually like me back. One can dream, I guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha I'm totally not self projecting onto benrey, what?? Me?? NEVER.  
> also I apologize for making dr. Coomer mean, but i don't entirely blame him. Imagine you just find out every life experience that's ever happened to you was a lie, and when you try to vent about it (or at least get confirmation your not crazy) and the person just talks about gaming. Like, I get it was rude, but also, benrey isn't the best person to comfort people. I notice in fics a lot that benrey seems to be pretty decent at comforting people (which is totally fine!!) But realistically, I just don't think that's the case tbh. And I relate to that a lot because of that, lol. Anyway. Enough of my rambling, hope you enjoyed the chapter!! :)


	11. ??????

* * *

I still can’t get over how fucking weird that dream was. So I decided to ask Tommy about it.

Joshua was with my ex, and I had some free time. That hush money as well as the money I’d been given for insurance (my hand) was more than enough to last me for quite a long time without a job, and after Black Mesa, I don’t exactly think I’m ready to just go back to working quite yet.   
I still have days where I think I’m gonna die, or get killed by a soldier. Not fun times, to be frank.

Anyway, after having my weekly therapist meet (courtesy of Mr. Coolatta, after Tommy requested we all be provided with one) I headed over to his house. Dr. Coomer had driven me over there, as for one, Bubby had “his driving rights revoked, after crashing into that Walmart.” (According to Dr. Coomer) Two, Dr. Coomer also had a therapy appointment that day, coincidentally, and three, he had asked me to speak with him.   
And if your wondering, no, I don’t drive, considering that driving makes my anxiety go batshit crazy, and also, still getting used to my prosthetic.

We pulled into Tommy’s driveway when he parked the car and turned to look at me.

”Do you miss him, Gordon?”

I turned to look at him, confused. “You mean Benrey, right? That’s who you’re referring to?”

He nodded.

”I mean- I guess I do. But. I also, don’t? It’s weird, man. A part of me knows he couldn’t help it, ‘cause the script said he had to do that shit, but also, what a jackass, y’know? Does that seem weird?”

He shook his head. “Not in the slightest, Gordon. I believe I feel quite the same way, quite honestly.”

I nodded in understanding.

Dr. Coomer then said nothing else, and I got out. Before he drove off, he said one final thing:

”I miss him too, Gordon. But you weren’t exactly a saint either, none of us were. I’m not saying you have to forgive him, just remember that all of us have made frankly very shitty choices.”

And then he drove off, leaving me with just my thoughts.

I shook my head, clearing said thoughts to unpack later, and rang Tommy’s doorbell. Before I could walk in, however, Sunkist came barreling out and I fell over with her on top of me, covered in paint. Tommy then ran out, also smeared in paint.

”Oh-oh no! Down, Sunkist! Don’t dirty Mr. Freeman’s clothing! Sorry, Mr. Freeman! Sunkist and I were just in the middle of recreating some very historical paintings!”

I got up, brushing my self off (the paint was only acrylic so I could just wash it off later) and laughed. “It’s alright, Tommy. Good girl, Sunkist.” I rubbed my hand over her fur and she nuzzled my hand in thanks.

”Letme just wash my hands and take my apron off and we can discuss what we talked about over the phone!” Tommy said, walking off to the bathroom. I looked around his moderately sized house, and noticed the paintings. Tommy’s looked like a cute version of the Girl with a Pearl Earring, while Sunkist’s..

”Did Sunkist recreate the Mona Lisa with a picture of you?”

“Oh yeah! She’s very artistically inclined, after all, she is the perfect dog!” Tommy said, walking out of the bathroom while drying his hands off on a towel. He walked into the kitchen and came out with a tray of “Lemonade Soda and Gummy Bears, my favorite!” And sat it on the coffee table. He waved his hand over to the couch, where he was sitting, and I sat down. He turned to me, a much more serious look on his face.

”So, Gordon, you wanted to talk about that dream you had, right?” 

I nodded.

“You said there were lots of Sweet Voice? What colors were they, if you remember?”

I furrowed my brows in thought. “If I remember correctly, they were green and red.”

Tommy nodded and his forehead creased in concentration. “G-green to red means you should start to feel dread.” He replied, voice a lot quieter than previously. He looked up again and continued. “And you said there were skeletons? How many was there?”

”At first I thought it was one big skeleton, but it was a circle of around 5 or 6 skeletons, and they were surrounding something.”

He nodded again. “And what were they surrounding?”

I hesitated, and Tommy noticed. “I-if you don’t want to talk about this, G-Gordon, we really don’t have-“

”It was Benrey, Tommy. I saw Benrey.”

Tommy’s face paled, and his starting biting his lip. He took a sip from his drink before continuing.

”...What happened next?”

I turned to look at Sunkist. “He was saying some...weird, gamer bullshit like he normally did, but he seemed..nervous, almost. Like he was scared. Then I saw the skeletons closing in on him and saw a stream of blue and a lighter green. It looked like the color of..maybe a pear?”

”...blue to pear means I am in fear.” He replied. I continued.

”At first, I wasn’t gonna help him, cause,y’know,he’s an asshole, but I felt bad for him and my pity got the better of me. So I ran over as fast as I could, grabbed his hand, and dragged him out. I don’t entirely remember much after, except for a lot of running. And then I think he recognized me? Then I woke up, and now I’m here.”

Tommy nodded one more time, and was quiet. The silence was tense, and it wasn’t really great for my nerves. After what felt like forever, he finally turned to me, a serious look on his face, and said:

”I don’t think that was a dream, Gordon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we return to Gordon’s POV! (Also, if you have any suggestions as to what I call chapters with his POV please comment them down below! :)) I wanted to establish what I think Gordon and Benrey’s relationship (or lack thereof, I suppose) is like. Gordon himself is very conflicted. On one hand, Benrey was a huge asshole and got his arm chopped off and tried to kill him. On the other hand, however, Benrey would also joke with him as well (it was hard for Gordon to tell the difference between genuinely being ridiculed by Benrey or him just teasing) and also, Gordon was also kind of a huge dick to him. So he’s got a “I don’t know whether we’re friends or I wanna beat the shit out of you” stance on him as of right now. Rambling aside, drink some water and have a good day! :D


End file.
